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  • Writer's pictureBen Terhune

When A Stand Up Comic Gets Stood Up

Okay so I've dealt with five people today from the world of FB Yard Sales. The first two people I met this morning were a pleasure to deal with. One gentleman gave me 5 bucks extra for a small flatscreen television and then told me to keep the change because 2020 has been a rough year. I like that guy. In fact, I wish he were my grandpappy because he's so awesome. Shout-out to grandpappy 5-spot! You're a legend. I'll have your babies if your wife is cool with it. Now the rest of the day I either got stood up or treated like I was sub-human. I've never been stood up by two people in a single day and been treated like dirt by another; and I've been selling on Facebook for six years in total on a weekly basis. That's insane! So for once, I'm going to call these people out just to be petty. I'm not even going to front and pretend like I'm doing the world a service. Nope! I'm being petty, today! Buckle up! So here we go: Pete Jessee: Apparently his wife controls his Facebook account and they have a joint account. Now usually when couples have a joint account, that means someone did something dirty with someone they shouldn't have. Y'all need to get tested. We'll leave that alone. That ain't my business though. However, this lady whose name is Karen (Pete's wife), because that's an appropriate name, messaged me more than my ex-wife over some old casserole pans and then ghosted me once we set a meeting location and time. Thanks Karen! In the event your husband goes out for a pack of smokes and doesn't return home, just remember he didn't get lost. He's hiding. Raiin Drop: This girl initially messaged me asking to deliver some bar stools and most of the time I don't deliver furniture unless I can tell from your profile that you're not looking to wear my skin as a hat or you compensate me for delivery. She sends me multiple messages over the span of four hours, then finally at random suggests I drop everything and meet her in 10 minutes. We set up a meeting spot and agree to meet in 10-15 minutes, because at this point I'm just about to make some butter noodles, but I can sell some bar stools I guess. Lady, I could've had noodles, butter, garlic, and Parmesan! Do you realize what you did to me? This girl ghosts me and doesn't even message me back. I end up walking around a parking lot asking big burly dudes if their wife sent them for some bar stools. These dudes in turn gave me the side eye like I was propositioning them. I'm pretty freaky, but not like that. Clau Aparicio: This lady wants an office chair. I say in the ad that the chair is rock hard and only exists because it's leather and chrome and flashy. It's ergonomically worthless. It's a status chair. You just sit in it to look important. It's dumb. If I had to rate my posterior from 1-10, it's a -4. I basically slide right off this thing. I show up to meet her and she asks me to show her how to raise and lower the chair three times. I tell her, three flippin' times, there's a lever on the bottom of the chair. She looks at me like I just told her the great riddle of the sphinx. She then makes me sit on the chair and demonstrate it out in the flippin' cold in a parking lot. She then inspects the chair and she says there's a gap in the upper corner of the leather seam in the chair and that tiny quarter inch gap is just too much for her to bear. This woman's gloves cost more than the tires on my hoopty! Once again, it's a $10 leather and chrome chair with no rips or stains that raises and lowers. The upper seams are glued together, because it's Ikea. It's designed to be cheap, but it's even got all the wheels on it and rolls like a caffeinated toddler in a walker. This lady showed up in a 2019 Chrysler, wearing a cashmere scarf and leather gloves to make me demo a chair in a parking lot because she was bored. Do yourself a favor and block these people and don't do any form of business with them. 2020 has been a rough year for all of us. 150,000 people who were on the verge of being millionaires are now living in poverty. More than 300,000 people in the US have died from viral pneumonia. 8,000 people in your local community needed help with Thanksgiving this year. Try to be less of a jerk to your fellow man. Once upon a time I used to depend on Marketplace sales for a living, now I use other online resources like Ebay, Poshmark, Robinhood, and my book sales. I'm thankful for that, because if I had to go home tonight with the money I made today from just the people who treated me like a human being, I'd be beside myself with stress about how I was going to make it.

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